I think the first time I saw her was when I stepped into the pub. My eyes saw her but my mind said “she cannot be here. She would have texted you”. I walked straight to my friends table trying not to turn my face to where she was dancing. I sat right away and started talking to my friends, giving my back to where she was. A while later, one of my friends came back from the toilet saying she met someone on her way back who told her she knew me. Damn, so there she was. I felt disappointed. I thought after the nice night we spent at her place, she would have liked to meet up again. I had texted her about my plans, and expected a similar thing from her. My bad.
I decided to pretend I was surprised of seeing her there, said hello to her best friend warmly and just a nod to her and the other friend. I am not sure she noticed my mood. I tried not to look at her much during the little talk I have with them, and came back to my table quick. Later, some people started to leave the bar, many heading to the nightclubs nearby.
I went to the toilet as an excuse to see her again and talk since my table was in the other side of hers. They told me they were going to a club, one of the best in the city and most selective. Do you know that feeling when you hate someone but at the same time you cant let her go? Well, that was my case: I waited for them to leave and then I convinced my friends to go to the same club. I know, I must like feeling pain and jealousy when I am going to the same place that the girl I like who plans having fun without me.
When we arrive the entrance fee was so expensive, for men of course, girls are the product at these places so they do not pay, that I ended up with no money for the rest of the night. We went in and there she was dancing at the center of the dance floor. So beautiful and charming. Guys around looking at her eager to approach her.
We join them, but I kept dancing without looking at her or being near her. She approached me, hugging my neck while dancing. I was trapped by her smile, I could not even felt her arms on me. She asked me if everything was alright. Red alarm! she was noticing my mood. But, wasn’t that what I actually wanted? Attention from her. I was confused. I was mad at her. But at the same time I wanted her so much. I was wordless… I said I was fine. I tried to keep a little and superficial talk while we were dancing. How was work, what her plans were for next week… Finally she moved apart saying we should be in touch and keep talking what I replied “how can you say that, you don’t talk to me anymore”. That was my attack. She got the message and went away. It killed my heart.
Sitting on the couch I could see her looking nowhere… lost on her own things. Did not look like she was having fun. I didn’t think she could be worrying for what I said, but to make sure it wasn’t that I came to her like a regretful puppy and asked her for a dance. She said she didn’t want to dance. Second shot to my ego. I asked why and she said something related to the music, the volume… we both knew it was an excuse. Something else was going on.
Ten minutes later she stood up and started to dance closely with a guy on my back. Ok, so now the volume, the music… was it different? Obviously not. Again I acted as a masochistic fan watching the girl I had a crush with dancing with another guy. Everyone with us could feel my tension and upset. I can imagine my face in that situation. I can never hide my feelings.
They kept dancing in a sexy way: touching, grabbing, grinding… Me, just looking stupid observing the drama going on. I tried to change my spot and give my back to them. Changing position did not help. Before I could see them with my eyes, now I could feel them on my back having fun. I was dying :(
Twenty minutes later she came to talk to her best friend, and then left with the guy she was dancing with. Was she taking him home? At that time I should have given up, but still wanted to fix things. I wanted to tell her I liked her and forgave her for not being considerate. You would probably think I was being egocentric. I agree. I sometimes surprised myself how selfish I can be.
So they left, leaving me there “dancing” back and forth without any rhythm or attention to the music being played. A minute later I looked back and saw her coming in alone. I prayed for her not to approach me. I was too mad to talk to her. You betcha! She put her hand on my shoulder to say she was leaving. She came to say bye after all. I didn’t say anything. Then, she moved forward for a hug and a kiss, but I was fast enough to step back and to offer her a handshake instead. She reacted surprised and said “What’s the matter? We’re just friends”. She thought I was just jealous. But what hurt me the most was her lack of interest in me. I guess I have to man up.